Buttface, Fritter, Granny
Gang Wars, Janitorville, and
cybersex–is this really what
life has become in the Twenty-
First Century?
To find out, I asked Jack
Jackson, a 27-year-old Bucks
e-student where and how he
spends his time.
Jackson responded, “In
cyberspace, of course, what
planet are you from?”
When I told him Earth, he
said, “Never heard of it.
What website is it on?”
Jackson, who hasn’t been out
of his apartment in months,
used to spend a lot of time on
the social networking site,
Fritter, but found it to be “a
waste of time.” Now he spends
it on Buttface, the new antisocial
networking site where
relationships are based on the
old Middle-Eastern adage: “the
enemy of my enemy is my
friend.”
“Common hatred has a way
of really bringing people
together,” notes Jackson, who
has 8,473 friends on Buttface.
Jackson explains: “On
Buttface, you get to butt people
that you don’t like.
When you butt someone their
face is superimposed over an
unappealing buttocks photograph.”
“The buttocks picture gets
grosser and grosser the more
that they are butted.
You are notified when someone
else butts someone you
have butted, allowing you to
friend that person,” said
Jackson.
Jackson likes to play online
games on Buttface like
“Granny GangWars,” in which
you build up a gang of grandmothers
and try to muscle in on
other gang’s territories.
To succeed in Granny Gang
Wars, you need to have lots of
friends playing the game who
will send you things that you
need in order to proceed to the
next highest level. Jackson
showed me a message Granny
Gang Wars sent about his
friend, Tina Swanson, a 25-
year-old social work major:
“Tina has to get rid of six
bloody meat hooks in a hurry
and needs her friends to help
her out.”
Jackson reacted quickly and
received a coveted and rarely
available bloody meathook.
Jackson had been envious of
Tina, who was at a higher level
of play. “Now that I’ve got a
meathook, my Granny will be
able to finally torture and
maim her victims too.”
Jackson finds balance in his
cyberlife by also playing
“Janitorville,” a ‘public service’
game in which you run a cleaning
crew and clean up other
peoples messes. Jackson started
out emptying trash cans and
ashtrays. Now he is more
advanced and is currently
cleaning out a cyber-sewage
plant.
“The graphics are out-ofsight”,
noted Jackson, “all the
filth in the plant is portrayed as
real as real can be…” He
added, “The only thing that I
miss is the smell. I guess that
you have to be willing to sacrifice
something to live the
cyberspace life.”
I asked Jackson if he missed
going out and meeting women.
His response: “Why would I?
I’ve had cybersex with beautiful
women from all over the
world.”
Jackson finds cybersex much
more convenient than actually
having to deal with real
women: “Real women are
such a hassle.
They expect you to have an
intelligent conversation with
them.
“That’s way too hard for
me,” Pointing to his mouse,
Jackson says, “with cybersex,
sexual relief is always within
my grasp.”
“Cybersex frees me up and
allows me to explore new sexual
horizons,” adds Jackson.
He says: “Well, posing as
‘Lola’–I am a Lou Reed freak-
-I had a cybersex affair in a
chat room with a handsome
man named ‘Jack.'”
I asked Jackson if it didn’t
disturb him that ‘Jack’ was
probably a fictitious persona
and that he had no idea who he
was revealing his sexual
secrets to. “Man, you are way
too hung on up reality; get with
it,” said Jackson.
“One of the hottest cyber
affairs I ever had was with a
22-year-old dominatrix named
Brandy. It turns out that
‘Brandy’ is actually Damian, a
69-year-old male slaughter
house worker from Krakow.
What do I care? Brandy’s hot,”
Jackson said.
“Sadly, our affair was interrupted
when Brandy was
arrested for exposing herself to
a busload of tourists. I got
very jealous that she exposed
her, or should I say his, privates
to strangers,” Jackson
said.
I noted that promiscuity
seemed to be everywhere these
days, and at least with cybersex,
you can’t catch any nasty
diseases.
“You are so wrong,” countered
Jackson. “I once visited a
cheap porn site and caught the
nastiest virus you could imagine,
knocked me off-line for
over a week.”
Jackson is moving from his
apartment to a cheap motel
room: “I’m wasting money on
things that I don’t need, like a
living room or kitchen. I get
all my food delivered. My
motel room has everything: a
bed, a desk, and a bathroom. It
has free internet access and
even cable TV, in case I want
contact with the real world.”
Jackson plans to buy a ’65-
inch flat-screen, hi-def TV.
“That way everything will be
bigger than life.”
Jackson eagerly anticipates
his move: “Brandy is getting
out of jail on the same day that
I move in. I just know that we
are going to heat up cyberspace
all over again.
Who knows? Maybe my relationship
with Brandy will
finally turn out to be the real
thing. I’m getting tired of playing
around.”