Macs Manic Musings

JOHN MACDONALD

You’ve always been a
straight-A student, and you
don’t even know it. Don’t
believe it? What I’m about to
reveal to you is life-changing.
Read on to find out for yourself.
By now you probably have
noticed that the world is a pretty
weird place. At least that
has been my experience.
But according to a large
number of physicists and other
scientists, it’s a hell of lot
weirder than most of us imagine.
What am I talking about?
The Multiverse and parallel
universes, of course.
A lot of people smarter than
you, certainly smarter than me,
believe in the existence of parallel
universes. They maintain
that every time that every time
there is a possibility of more
than one event or result occurring,
both events and results
occur, each in its own parallel
universe.
How does this amazing feat
happen?
Suppose that you reach an
intersection while driving and
have to make a decision to turn
right or left. According to the
proponents of the parallel universe
theory, the universe that
you are currently in instantly
splits into two universes. You
turn left in one and right in the
other.
Congratulations to genius
you
So what has this to do with
me always being a straight A
student, you ask? Simple.
Each time in your life when
you were graded, one of the
possible outcomes was that
you received an A and that is
what happened in one of the
parallel universes.
Under the parallel universe
theory, out of all the universes
that were created all those
times that you received a grade
there has to be at least one parallel
universe in which you
have received nothing but As.
Congratulations, you genius,
you.
Since you are probably not in
that universe, you may be
thinking that this information
is next to useless. Wrong.
Properly applied, it’s life
changing.
Consider this: nothing is
your fault. For every decision
or choice that you made, it was
a fundamental law of the
Multiverse there would be a
universe in which you made a
bad decision or choice. Is it
your fault that you all too often
ended up in the universe in
which you made so many bad
decisions or choices?
I, for one, say no. Your current
situation is nothing more
than a result of a random series
of events and probabilities
over which you had no control.
Isn’t that knowledge freeing?
Or useful?
Can the Multiverse save the
day for cheaters?
Consider this: are you one of
those dolts that is cheating on
your partner? If you are, you
now know that you’re going to
get caught somewhere in the
Multiverse.
Not to worry. You’ve got a
whole new line of defense:
“Baby, I didn’t mean to
cheat. I really didn’t.”
“So why did you, you bastard?”
“It was totally out of my control.
It was this damn
Multiverse thing. It screwed
both of us. We should both be
in the parallel universe in
which I didn’t cheat, instead of
getting stuck in this one. Don’t
you see? It’s so unfair to both
of us.”
Pulled off with enough sincerity
it just might work.
Now that I come to think of
it, it could end up another way:
“Baby, why are you pointing
that gun at me? Don’t you
believe me about parallel universes?”
“Of course I do, Sugar.”
“Then why the gun?”
“Don’t worry about it. We’re
about to split off in to a number
of parallel universes. In one, I
don’t shoot you, in the other I
do.”
” In other universes, you die
as a result. In one, I go to jail,
in the other I am set free
because it was a crime of passion.

“But, but, but baby…”
“Sugar, I said don’t worry
about it. In still another universe,
you not only live but we
get back together and live happily
ever after. Neither one of
us has control over which parallel
universe that we end up
in, do we?”
“No. But, but, but.stop
pointing that thing at me.”
“Well, get this, you unlucky
SOB, you ended up in the parallel
universe in which I shoot
your sorry, cheating, lying butt
dead. I’m going to take my
chances as to which parallel
universe I end up in next.”
BLAAMMM. Blamm.
Blamm.
Hmmmm. On second
thought, this parallel universe
stuff might be too life-changing.
I think that I am going to
let sleeping universes lie.
What about you?