Dear person who keeps
leaving a “corrected” version
of my column on my door,
Hey. We haven’t met, but
I’m Laura.
I really didn’t want to draw
attention to your antics, but
despite my better judgment
here goes: My office hours are
listed on the door you seem
to enjoy tagging.
Have you never had a typo?
I have. It happens and I don’t
lose sleep over you catching
one.
Maybe you are one of the
unique individuals who are
able to type perfectly, or you
are the kind of person who
can edit every story, layout a
minimum of 12 pages of
newspaper and bang out a
weekly column in two days.
Oh wait, that’s right, you
don’t know jack about what I
do because you don’t do it.
I’ll give you this – your love
notes are rather annoying.
Congratulations.
I do appreciate that you,
with dedication, read my column.
I feel like Howard Stern, in
the sense that people read me
because they hate me. I never
thought this was all that
interesting. I was aiming for
funny and entertaining, but
whatever. I’ll get over it.
I would like to address
some other issues in your corrections.
Newspaper articles are not
written according to Strunk &
White, but instead follow AP
Style (Associated Press). So
when you cross-out and
scribble over most of the
words and hyphens and other
punctuation, you are wrong
and I am right.
I don’t expect a layman to
know this, but maybe you
should take the time to do a
little research before wasting
my time.
I do not have run-on sentences.
How do I know this?
Because Microsoft Word
spellcheck and general
knowledge of sentence structure
says so (fragment).
Long sentences and nonrestrictive
relative clauses do
not run-ons make.
I had an appropriate use of
a fragment back there to
delineate a point; fragments
are not evil. And there is a
big word again. Yes, I do use
the word “delineate” and,
more specifically to your
complaint, “diatribes.”
Just because you don’t
know what it means, doesn’t
mean I can’t use it.
Then there is one of my
favorite deletions. You cross
out my sentence introductions,
like “so” and “but,”
along with contractions, as if I
am writing a senior thesis.
Welcome to the Op/Ed
(Opinion and Editorial) page
in a newspaper.
The type of media I am
expressing my opinion in is
not subject to the style your
Comp professor tells you is
proper writing technique.
This is called style and tone,
and adheres to the needs of
the reading audience and
type of writing.
In other words, this is a
newspaper column.
Therefore, I use a casual
tone in my sentence structure.
If I were going to attach a bibliography
to the end of this,
I’d look like an idiot.
If I turned in a U.S. History
paper writing like I am now,
I’d also look like an idiot.
You look like an idiot correcting
an Op/Ed piece by
someone you don’t know like
the wanna-be English teacher
you are.
Why don’t you leave the
passive-aggressiveness in
your personal life and take a
moment to gander at the
hours I am in the newsroom.
Come on in and have a chat
with me about your superiority.
You think you are God’s
gift to punctuation, why
don’t you edit for me?
You take the time out of
your life to criticize me; you
might as well put it to some
actual use.
We newspaper people have
a had a few chuckles at your
expense over this, but I’m
sure we can all put that aside
and send you to work…for
me. Then, you can expand
your knowledge of grammar.
Because right now, I consider
it limited and not enlightening.
You are not alerting me
to something I don’t already
know. And instead of trying
to irritate me because, oh my
God, someone doesn’t like
my opinion of non-voters,
take it for what it is: my opinion
of the specific target audience,
philosophy or what
have you. I’m not aiming at
100 percent agreement.
I’ll expect you to leave your
corrections on my desk in
person.
Thank you.
Laura