The caffeine-and-sugar
dominated soft drink
Mountain Dew is believed to
be the cause of a procrastinating
college student’s heart
attack late last night, police
said.
Jimmy Jillicker, 20, was
found in his parent’s suburban
basement clutching his
heart with one hand and a
plastic green bottle in the
other.
“He said he had two tests
tomorrow,” said Jillicker’s
mother. “He said he could
handle the dew.”
Jillicker was in his second
semester at Bucks. He was a
communications major struggling
to maintain his 3.1 GPA.
Today Jillicker had an
Introduction to Theater and
American Literature exam, as
well as a research paper due
for his Health and Wellness
class.
“He usually just sips on coffee
or tea,” said Jillicker’s sister
Judy, “But he felt he needed
that extra kick.”
And that’s exactly what he
got.
Jillicker went to the ACME
supermarket in Newtown
around 9 p.m. last night,
police said, and purchased
three 2-Liter bottles of
Mountain Dew. Out of the
three bottles only one had the
dew left and it was only a
quarter full.
“The Dewski was just too
much for him,” said close
friend Cherry Forman. “He
was too young to do that
much dew.”
An autopsy will be performed
to attempt to solve
this tragic mystery.