Chaos in the cafeteria erupted
on Monday, March 24,
when several students who
ate hamburgers started coming
to the health center with
symptoms directly indentified
to be those consistent
with the Ebola virus.
After campus break on
Monday, about 34 students
came to the health center
complaining of severe
headaches, abdominal pain,
sore throat, nausea and dizziness.
The staff did not know
what to think until the nurse
on duty took the students’
temperatures as per standard
procedure.
Judy Bellam, Registered
Nurse, said, ” [The students]
temperatures were through
the roof, one boy had a temperature
of about 103 degrees
and the others had temperatures
ranging from about
100.7 degrees to 102 degrees.”
Upon these findings, the
staff began to call hospitals to
see what could possibly be
causing these types of symptoms.
The students were
rushed to surrounding hospitals,
where upon arrival they
were seen by a representative
from the Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention. It
was later found that a student
who was unhappy with the
construction going on around
campus developed a mutated
strain of the virus in his basement,
and contaminated all
the beef products in the cafeteria.
The student, Adam West,
was discovered when he
boasted loudly during a
chemistry lab that he “Made
sure those crackpots stop
ruining the campus.” He also
said phrases that included, “I
hope they enjoy their hamburgers,”
and, “Oops! Was
that Ebola in my Whopper?”
When a student alerted the
professor, he immediately
called campus safety, and
later the police were called.
There is no word yet on
what will become of West,
and what he will be charged
with, but any students who
consumed any beef products
on campus this week are
being asked to report immediately
to the health center if
they notice the symptoms
mentioned.