“Finally we have the wherewithal
to totally eradicate
smoker terrorists from
Bucks,” said recently-appointed
Bucks security czar,
Colonel Ramsey “Ramrod”
Jackson, in announcing that
Bucks has retained mercenary
fighters from Xe (formerly
Blackwater) “for the final
assault on the smoker terrorists.”
“The planned offensive
against smokers will take place
sometime during the first week
of April,” said Jackson, who
prefers to be called Ramrod.
“We’re announcing it now so
that all students will get the
word in time.
We don’t want them to get
scared when they see our mercenaries
in action and think
that our country is under
attack.”
Innocent student casualties
are expected.
Although Ramrod assures the
student body that he will do
everything to minimize casualties,
he admits that “these
Xe/Blackwater guys have been
known to be trigger-happy in
the past.” He says that casualties
will be minimized if students
just do everything that
the mercenaries ask them to
do.
Ramrod said that the
Xe/Blackwater team will be
lightly armed, “small arms,
machineguns, rocket-propelled
grenades, that sort of thing.”
“Our budget didn’t allow us
to bring in anything really
exciting,” said Ramrod, who
had hoped to be able to use
armed, unmanned drones to
take out individual “smoker
terrorists,” as he calls smokers.
“That would have been fun,
like a real live video game.”
Ramrod denied that his
planned military-style offensive
on smokers and his
description of their smoking as
acts of terrorism were in any
way excessive:
“How else would you
describe the constant release of
hundreds of cancer-causing
agents into the atmosphere,
endangering the lives of millions
of innocent people and
children?” he asked.
When this reporter responded,
“I don’t know, the usual corporate
way of doing business?”
he pointed a handgun at me
and said: “I’m going keep my
eye on you. You might be one
of those pinko-socialist-commie-
thinking liberals. They’re
going to be dealt with next.”
“These smoking terrorists are
the gravest domestic threat to
our security that we have ever
known. Hundreds of them
have infiltrated our campus,
each one armed with gas-powered
incendiary devices.”
“You mean cigarette
lighters?” I queried. “Cigarette
lighters, cigarette lighters,
that’s all you think they are?
A determined terrorist can
bring down an entire building
with one of those so-called cigarette
lighters, more than one
building in fact. Let me tell
you, once I blew up an entire
factory complex using only
our lighters. That was in …
never mind, forget I said it.
Never happened. Wasn’t
there.”
“Make no mistake about it,”
he continued, “the campus
smokers are determined.
All day long we see them congregating
in small groups
around doorways, hatching
their evil plans while they
release noxious fumes, no
doubt.”
“We’ve given these smoking
terrorists more than enough
chances to peacefully leave,”
said Ramrod. “When we
pushed them to the outer edges
of the campus, many thought
that they would take the hint
and leave peacefully. I knew
better, and that’s why I applied
for a Homeland Security Grant
to give us the money to hire
competent mercenaries for
Operation Smoker Wipeout.”
Ramrod’s eyes lit up when I
asked him about some of the
details of Operation Smoker
Wipeout. He began:
“We’re not going to announce
when, but on a certain day in
the first week of April, we are
going to lock down the entire
campus by sealing off the main
campus entrances.
Vehicles will be allowed in,
but not out.”
“All students will be told to
report to the cafeteria, where
they will undergo searches to
root out the smokers.”
When queried whether the
searches might violate students’
constitutional rights,
Ramrod responded:
“Students have constitutional
rights? Really? Who would
have thought? Well, no matter.
It’s axiomatic that you have to
give up some rights in order to
live in a free country.”
“Constitutional rights are
only asserted by criminals,
anyway. Innocent people
should be only too willing to
give up their constitutional
rights in the war to defend freedom,”
continued Ramrod.
“Any smokers caught in the
cafeteria area will be arrested
and sent to one of our allies to
be dealt with.” Because
Ramrod expects that a lot of
smokers will attempt to flee on
foot into Tyler Park rather than
go to the cafeteria area and be
arrested, he plans to station
sharpshooters on the roofs of
Penn and Founders Halls.
Ramrod concluded with:
“You put this in your paper,
sonny boy, it’s going to be open
season on smokers in April.
The smart ones will get out
alive before then and never
come back.”