Dear Randal,

I have this issue where I need to have sex at least once day. This has become a real problem for me at school, as there are so few places where a guy can get some privacy with his special lady friend. Can you help me? I need to get my lay on!

-Kittyliscious

Dear Kittyliscious,

First off, why do you need privacy? As a cat I see no problem with having sex in public. You might even find it more arousing, as I do when it’s around people. If I’m not in direct sight of someone, I like to make as much noise as possible. When I know everyone can hear it going on but has no clue where me and my lady-cat friend are it just makes life that much more exciting. If you’re too ashamed to be with your “lady-friend” in public, then you’re going to have a problem if you really need it at least once a day. Especially if you must resort to doing it here at school, I feel badly. You must have had a very traumatic childhood. Despite all that, if you’d like to be outside, might I suggest behind Tyler Gardens, or in the field behind parking lot C. If you’re looking for creative places inside, there’s always the upstairs part of the library, empty classrooms (which you will find more of after 4 pm). The upstairs bathrooms by the gym are usually uninhabited. Then there are couches sometimes free in the C & O wing; they’re mighty comfy to sleep on so I assume they’ll be good for other things as well. Good luck. I’ll be listening for you and your lady-friend of choice.

– Randal Graves