Tyler State Park, an iconic
view for the Newtown campus,
a place where students
can go to enjoy the splendid
simplicity of nature, is no
more.
Plans have been released
and made public that the
beloved Tyler State Park has
been purchased by a
Pennsylvania mining company
and is going to be cut
down and turned into a coal
mine. One year ago geologists
were sent to the park to see if
it had any commercial or
industrial potential, and
unfortunately they found
coal.
It is estimated that the coal
vein that runs through the
park is the largest coal
deposit in PA and apparently
that money was too good for
the township to pass up. The
destruction of the forest is
scheduled to begin in the next
few weeks, and already treehugging
hippies have begun
to chain themselves to the
trees and chant Bob Marley’s
“Three Little Birds.”
One of the individuals who
had duct-taped himself to a
tree and only identified himself
as Little Foot was very
upset about the forest. “We
can’t let them cut down the
forest, man. God made the
forest for the animals to live
in and stuff, where are they
going to live. maaaan?”
In addition to people tying
themselves to trees a number
of drum circles, once thought
to be extinct, have appeared
throughout Tyler State Park
in foggy areas that usually
aren’t foggy.
The local police are also
preparing to flush out the
protesters scattered throughout
the park. “We have riot
gear on standby and my fellow
officers are ready to crack
some skulls,” said Officer
Alex Barbrady, who is in
charge of handling the potential
riot. In addition to tear
gas, rubber bullets and police
dogs Barbrady said many of
the officers are looking forward
to using fire-hoses on
the protesters. “Those dirty
hippies could use a bath,” he
said.
Even though the flower
children have fortified themselves
for a last stand, the surveyors
and lumberjacks don’t
seemed very worried about
the possible complications
that may occur. “The saws cut
through the trees easy
enough, I’m sure they won’t
have much trouble going
through the hippies either,”
said a grisly forester named
Three-Fingered Pete.
Some people are outraged
that the campus would not
take action to prevent a coal
mine from opening so close to
the campus. Chainsaws, trees
falling, heavy machinery,
fleeing animals, outraged
hippies and other loud noises
would be rather distracting
for any student attempting to
learn. However, the coal mine
has offered the college $2.8
million a year to put up with
the distractions.
Most students have not
even noticed the machinery
gathering in the parking lots
of Tyler Park or the orange
spray paint marking which
trees are getting cut down
first. However, very soon students
will hear the distinct
sounds of chainsaws, hippies
screaming and the lumberjack’s
cries of “TIMBER!”