The largest dining service in
the area has done it again.
CulinArt has created a dish
that will successfully give a
mouth-wateringly delicious
heart attack to whoever
decides to shove the greasedrippingly
fabulous lump of
food between their lips.
And, to make matters better
than best, the dish has won an
award!
On April 1, Bucks students
gathered in the cafeteria for
the annual CulinArt Foods
Contest. The meal crowned
winner in “Best All-Around
Taste” was the Triple-Fried
Burger.
The burger, created by
CulinArt top chef John
Chunky, is two pounds of
ground beef nestled between
a sesame seed bun that spent
three days soaking in pig
lard.
“Anything soaked in pig
lard is going to taste extra
good,” said Chunky. “We
really want the students here
to be satisfied with their
lunch, so we just thought that
pig lard was the way to go.”
The beef is fried three times
in butter fat to give it a little
extra flavor. The result is a
burger packed with so many
delectable trans-fats, one is
forced to wonder if it is legal.
“I found it to be so delicious,
I ate two,” said Bessie
Bertha. “Trans-fats? Who
cares? We’re all going to die
one day anyway, right,” she
said as she downed a twoliter
bottle of Mountain Dew.
Even though the burger
won the contest in a landslide,
there was some opposition.
Sandra Swansong stood
in the back of the cafeteria
and cried tears of frustration.
“I just don’t get it. Why didn’t
anyone think my carrot stick
soufflé was worth eating?”
she cried. “There’s something
really wrong with this country.”
Swansong eats only
orange foods. She says she
gets the rest of her vitamins
and minerals from supplements.
Nutrition instructor Lydia
Turnover was overjoyed with
the result of the contest and
stressed that a balanced diet
is key to a healthy life.
“Eating all that meat is good
for anyone, and some fat is
needed in a diet to maintain a
healthy weight.”
When speaking of the burger,
she got a look on her face
as if she had just smelled
rotisserie chicken spinning in
the oven. “I don’t think a lot
of people realize how long I
have waited to digest two
pounds of ground beef.
Days.”
CulinArt employees who
had a hand in the week-long
process of preparing the
burger are amped they got
such rave reviews. “The way
I see it is simple. Eat as many
triple-fried burgers as you
want. It’s all good,” said
spokesperson Nick Knack.
As of right now, students
can do just that. The burger
will be sold in the cafeteria at
10 cents apiece.