Fellow Students:
Have you ever been hopelessly
lost on the Newtown
Campus, feeling like a rat
trapped in a maze? Did you
think that the campus was
designed by a madman, a
sadist, an incompetent, or all
three combined? My recent
interview with the designer of
the campus, Sir Cumnavey
Gashun, reveals that getting
lost is all part of a grand
scheme:
Mac: Sir, what was the
thought process behind your
design of the Newtown
Campus?
Gashun: I wanted to create a
new kind of educational facility,
one that organically incorporated
and enhanced the purposes
of a college education.
A recent survey revealed
that the number one question
asked at Newtown was, “do
you know how to get to
_________ from here?” The
most usual response to this
question was, “I don’t know.
Do you have any idea where
we are now?”
That’s great news. It confirms
that the design achieves
its purposes. Achieves its purposes…? At
any given time there are scores
of students wandering around
campus without the faintest
idea of where they are or how
to get to where they are going.
Getting people hopelessly lost
is the only thing that your
design seems to have achieved.
It seems almost intentional.
It is. If that was my only purpose,
I agree that it would be
pretty damn weird. Ask yourself,
“what are some of the purposes
of higher education?”
Do they not include challenging
the mind? Stimulation of
and integration of right- and
left-brain?
Well, …aah, … I
guess…..That was a rhetorical
question. My design purposefully
incorporates elements of
the labyrinth and the maze.
Um, aren’t they the same
thing?
Certainly not. A labyrinth
takes you on a circuitous path
that has only one way in and
one way out, stimulating the
right-brain functions of
imagery, creativity and intuition.
Amaze is like a puzzle to
with lots of twists, turns and
blind alleys. Navigating a
maze stimulates the left-brain
functions of logical, sequential,
analytic thinking.
By making navigation of
the campus unbelievably complicated
and convoluted, students
are being forced into
getting a…..
A whole-brain workout!!!
That’s amazing. Precisely.
The hours and hours of disorientation
and frustration that
students experience are not
wasted; they are a crucial part
of the students’ educational
experience and mental development.
What other educational purposes
are served by the design
of the Newtown campus?
The design makes it
inevitable that the student will
show up late at some of the
classes, and will have to
explain their lateness in front
of the entire class. This forces
them to engage in public
speaking and rhetoric. They
are forced to confront their
fears of being embarrassed or
chastised. Being lost on campus
and having to ask other
students, many of whom are
hopelessly lost themselves, for
directions, encourages social
interaction and creates the
bonding of a shared traumatic
experience. It forces you to
learn about other parts of the
campus that you probably
might not otherwise have come
across. Granted, you probably
won’t be able to find them
again, but at least you know
that they are there.
Why is the Campus Security
Office is located at the far end
of one side of the campus, well
away from the areas where the
students are?
The Campus Security Office
is the one logical place that
most students would go to
when they are lost. Like the
provision of campus maps,
which I unsuccessfully argued
against, locating the Campus
Security Office in the central
part of the campus would be
antithetical to the educational
purposes of getting lost on
campus.
We have a little time left. Is
there anything else about the
benefits of the campus design
that we should know about?
Part of the design was
inspired by the ideas of
Aristotle, who pointed out the
need for balanced development
of the mind and body. He also
mentioned the soul, but there is
very little room for a soul in
modern academic life.
The convoluted design significantly
multiplies the
amount of physical effort that
students have to travel to get to
class. This increases muscle
mass and cardiovascular
health, an effect that is often
increased by to sprint to make
up lost time.
The parking lots are set up to
force students to undergo even
more physical exertion.
They are placed on terraced
inclines and most students
have to drive to the far end of
the lots in order to find a parking
space.
The increased physical effort
also has a financial benefit to
the college. The College provides
classes free to residents
over the age of 65. Making the
campus physically challenging,
thereby discouraging
many older students, is seen as
a benefit to the bean-counters
who go apoplectic at the
thought of providing a free college
education to anyone.
End of this week’s interview
There you have it, fellow students.
Throw away your maps
and enjoy the previously
unrecognized benefits provided
to you by Sir Cumnavey
Gashun at the Newtown
Campus. Who would have
thought?